Monday, August 17, 2009

It's been a long year. It's been a long 5 years. Waiting is hard. I'm ready to figure out my direction, and to realize the call God put on my life. There have been a lot of failures and few opportunities over the last few years. I grew up in a church with poor leadership, and did internships with churches that had poor leadership at best. I feel very ill-prepared, "unmentored," and yet anxious to begin my ministry to the church and the world. I see a lot of promise in the church, and that God has begun the work I believe he wants me to take part in. But I also see that there are so many barriers. I have a feeling that I will run into a lot of resistance and rejection when I begin preaching. Christ was crucified by the religious elite, and I foresee the same fate for me.
The job I have makes me miserable. Not a day goes by that I don't contemplate walking out and never coming back. It's full of Christians who have embraced the "Christian sub-culture," and have forgotten that Christ didn't come to "Christianize" the world, but to redeem it. They are some of the least loving, least trustworthy, least willing to be taught people I have ever known. I see more Christ in some of the drunks and prostitutes that walk the streets of my neighborhood than in many church-going people. These are the people I want to lead (along with the outsiders), but they have little desire to embrace the Kingdom of God.
I have embraced simplicity and am coming closer and closer to embracing poverty, and my stuff just keeps falling apart. I have a lot of broken things I could pour money on but, I can't help but give my stuff away to people who need it. I want them to know the love of Jesus, and often, I simply just to help provide for their needs. And I find that the less stuff I have, the happier I feel. But the world keeps screaming that I need more stuff: more (and nicer) clothes, a better computer, a nice car, iPod, Blackberry, and at least $50 in my wallet. And it's getting to me.
I'm getting married in 4 months. I can't wait. Amy is the most supportive, understanding, godly woman I have ever known. We have been together for 16 months now. We've known we were going to be married for about 15 of them. Waiting is hard.
There are two things that characterize almost everything in my life right now: waiting, and uncertainty. The two things I need most are patience and faith. I have about a mustard seed worth of both, but after 5 years, they are beginning to wear thin.
I know God is good. I know he loves me. And I know that neither he, nor his kingdom will ever fail. But I feel like Moses after about 5 years in the desert: weary, uncertain, and still facing another 35 years of wandering. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.