It's been a long year. It's been a long 5 years. Waiting is hard. I'm ready to figure out my direction, and to realize the call God put on my life. There have been a lot of failures and few opportunities over the last few years. I grew up in a church with poor leadership, and did internships with churches that had poor leadership at best. I feel very ill-prepared, "unmentored," and yet anxious to begin my ministry to the church and the world. I see a lot of promise in the church, and that God has begun the work I believe he wants me to take part in. But I also see that there are so many barriers. I have a feeling that I will run into a lot of resistance and rejection when I begin preaching. Christ was crucified by the religious elite, and I foresee the same fate for me.
The job I have makes me miserable. Not a day goes by that I don't contemplate walking out and never coming back. It's full of Christians who have embraced the "Christian sub-culture," and have forgotten that Christ didn't come to "Christianize" the world, but to redeem it. They are some of the least loving, least trustworthy, least willing to be taught people I have ever known. I see more Christ in some of the drunks and prostitutes that walk the streets of my neighborhood than in many church-going people. These are the people I want to lead (along with the outsiders), but they have little desire to embrace the Kingdom of God.
I have embraced simplicity and am coming closer and closer to embracing poverty, and my stuff just keeps falling apart. I have a lot of broken things I could pour money on but, I can't help but give my stuff away to people who need it. I want them to know the love of Jesus, and often, I simply just to help provide for their needs. And I find that the less stuff I have, the happier I feel. But the world keeps screaming that I need more stuff: more (and nicer) clothes, a better computer, a nice car, iPod, Blackberry, and at least $50 in my wallet. And it's getting to me.
I'm getting married in 4 months. I can't wait. Amy is the most supportive, understanding, godly woman I have ever known. We have been together for 16 months now. We've known we were going to be married for about 15 of them. Waiting is hard.
There are two things that characterize almost everything in my life right now: waiting, and uncertainty. The two things I need most are patience and faith. I have about a mustard seed worth of both, but after 5 years, they are beginning to wear thin.
I know God is good. I know he loves me. And I know that neither he, nor his kingdom will ever fail. But I feel like Moses after about 5 years in the desert: weary, uncertain, and still facing another 35 years of wandering. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak.

The First Time I Made Jerky

When our family was stationed in Miami, FL, my Dad was just coming out of an intensive training school in Memphis, TN where we had lived for six months or so. But upon looking around the Opa Locka area where the base was, he and Mom had found the neighborhoods less than appealing for family rearing. So Mom, Angela, and I moved in with my mother's parents in Honoraville, Alabama, a small rural town about 30 minutes south of Montgomery. Granddaddy was a full-time farmer and a substitute mail carrier in the same town in which he was raised. Grandma was working at a hospital in the nearby city of Luverne, but her real forte was home-cooking and teaching life lessons. The two of them lived on some land that had been purchased from the bank after Granddaddy's cousin, Robert, had been foreclosed on.

My sister and I had, until this point, been raised in the city or the suburbs, and were delighted to be around so many animals. I look back on that 7 month period as one of my favorites of my childhood. One summer morning, Angela and I were playing in the yard when we heard the sound of Granddaddy's truck coming down the red-dirt road. He was coming back from checking on his 30000 chickens and doing some maintenance work on the chicken houses. My sister and I ran to greet him as he pulled into the driveway. I love my Granddaddy. There has never been a sunnier human being than Marlyn E. Teague. He isn't just cheerful, he's sunny. Even the way he opened the door was happy. "Hi there, boys and girls!" he always pluralized it even when it was just Angela and I.

His enthusiasm took over his entire body. He picked up his booted feet, walking with a sort of bounce that most men lose when the world has broken their spirit. His arms bent in an L-shape, fists clenched and shaking with the excitement of life, he chimed; "Oh, BOY! I got somethin' for you girls and boys in the back of my truck!" Granddaddy's sky blue eyes shined as his cheeks pushed his eyes into a squint from the size of his smile.
"Whaddaya think o' this?" he asked as he pulled a white plastic bucket out from the bed of his truck. Angela and I gathered around beside the jovial old farmer, as he lowered the bucket. We peeked inside to see a small round turtle poking his frightened little head out of his shell. Angela squealed with excitement, and I let out a joyous "Cooooooool."
"Now you two are going to have to take care of this little fella'."

We named him Michelangelo. It was perfect because I was a huge fan of the cult TV show, the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Plus, I was able to convince my sister to go with it, because we were naming him after "both of us" (Michael + Angela = Michelangelo). We played with him for the better part of an hour or so. Mom, Grandma, and Granddaddy got out our yellow kiddie pool, and Angela and I were excited to "swim" with our new friend. We returned Michelangelo to his milk-crate ecosystem and left him on the picnic table under the Alabama Long Leaf Pine trees in the back yard. The summer nights in Southern Alabama were a perfect 70 degrees, so we were assured that our pet would be just fine out there.

The next day, Angela and I arose and rushed out to play with the turtle. He was doing just fine, but didn't look to excited to see us. We weren't too worried about it. Michelangelo accompanied us on our adventures that summer morning. Angela carried him around, as I concocted some story about me being some kind of explorer. Or a ninja. Or a ninja that explored things. But as the morning turned to afternoon, our tummies began to growl. The kiddie pool was still out in the yard, so I put about an inch of water in it so that Michelangelo would be able to swim around if he wanted to while we went inside for our turkey sandwiches and Cheetos. I set him in the water, and he immediately came out of his shell and kick happily through the water.

Lunch was good. We listened to Grandma and Granddaddy talking about people they had seen that day, and all the news about them and their families from the last year or to. It seemed like someone had always died recently. No one I knew, but I paid attention respectfully. After lunch, I decided to take my BB-gun out and shoot the Sun-Drop can I had emptied during lunch. At seven years old, I shot that gun so much and so often, that I rarely missed my target even from 35-50 ft away. Angela played inside, as I spent the afternoon walking with my gun down to the pond on the property. I took out a dozen or so dragonflies, pretending that they were enemy soldiers (just really far away). After saving our farm from the bad-guys, I decided to go in. I was drenched in sweat and the air was so thick, I had to chew it before inhaling. It was probably 4pm or so, and about 88 degrees outside, and humid. The trek back to the house took about 15 minutes or so, and I managed to shoot holes in 3 or 4 more anthills before I reached the yard. I could see the little yellow pool in the back yard from the cow pasture. I wondered how Michelangelo's afternoon had been. I approached the pool excited to at the chance to play with the little guy without my sister wanting a chance to hold him. I looked in the pool, and realized that there was no water in it. The scorching summer heat had evaporated the inch of water I had left in there only 3 hours before. And there in the middle was Michelangelo, limp and unresponsive.

Michelangelo was dead; completely dehydrated and burnt crispy. I turned my turtle into a banana chip. I screamed as I ran into the house calling for my Mom and Grandparents. I cried as I explained to them what had happened. Granddaddy tried not to laugh as he listened to my tale. Mom had the idea for us to give Michelangelo a proper funeral. Granddaddy got out his post hole digger, and took us out to the corner of the yard. I was the pallbearer, carrying the dearly departed to his final resting place. Granddaddy sang "Amazing Grace" as he plunged the post diggers into the ground. I placed my desiccated friend into the ground and we covered him up. I asked Granddaddy to say a few words (since he had known him the longest). I love that Granddaddy was able to somehow be the support I needed him to be, while simultaneously finding this whole situation hilarious. I look back on this experience and laugh now too.

I'm just glad that Angela and I got a whole day to spend with Michelangelo. The time we had was special, and made a lasting impression, I think, on both of us. We are all better for having known Michelangelo, even though his blood is, technically, on my hands. And that's how I learned how to make Turtle Jerky.

I probably should have put more thought into this

After eight years of living in hot, muggy, South Florida, I had grown tired of having my hair "buzzed off" every three weeks. I was an awkward, gawky teenager, and my long, skinny neck was even more pronounced by the lack of hair on my head. It was like a golf ball on a tee sticking out of my shoulders. When Dad retired from the Coast Guard, he went on a search for a civilian job. This search landed us in Charlotte, North Carolina, where, they actually have 4 seasons every year. I decided that it was time for a change. I told my friends in Florida that I was going to do it all differently in my new neighborhood. First, I would begin growing my hair out. I wanted to look like those rockers I so admired. To continue developing my new "rocker" image, I boasted that I was going to beat the crap out of the first guy to mess with me. I wanted to be a tough-guy that everyone respected. The final stage of my plan was to ask out the prettiest girl in school whether she had a boyfriend or not. The new, bold, rugged Mike Vaughan was going to be a ladies man as well as a "Cowboy from Hell."

Well, long story short, I managed to start growing out my hair, and that was about it. No fights until a year or so later (maybe another blog-worthy story), and I had this "jello-knee syndrome" which prevented me from even having a normal conversation with the girls I liked. At least I stuck with the new hair plan. One out of three isn't too bad, right? The thing is, after shaving my head for 8 years, I didn't have much of a part, and I found that, as my hair began to get a little length to it, that I have a mixture of wavy and curly hair, which doesn't translate into a very good look. The "Ricky Martin/duck-butt" hair-do was in at the time, and mine looked more like an afro and a mullet got together at a drunken party and had an illegitimate, red-headed stepchild.

But I had a plan. Oh, yes.

I couldn't put all of my hair back into a ponytail, but I could make a few mini-pigtails that, for some reason, I thought screamed, "I'm tough; I'm cool; I'm METAL!" In actuality, they screamed, "I'm an idiot; I'm an attention-whore; I'm going to be a virgin for a long, LONG time." Every morning on the school bus (because neither of my parents would have allowed me to go out like this) I took the rubber bands out of my back pack, bunched up as much hair as I could from the top-back of my head, and made a little samurai pigtail to show my coolness. Next, for the purpose of looking like a real metal-head (which I was), I put the hair that was in my face into two miniature pigtails that had kind of an "antennae" look to them. Yup, red hair, samurai knot, antennae. I looked like Pebbles Flintstone on acid.

For three months, I walked around school with kids pointing and giggling, and calling me "Haircutt" to my face. I think people talked to me mostly because they felt sorry for this clueless, wannabe-kid trying to make a statement.
"Oh, if only my friends in Florida could see me now."

Mr. Fix-it

When I was six, my Dad gave me my first pocket knife. It was stainless steel, with a hook to connect it to a key chain. It had a bottle opener, a file (which I have never quite understood), an icepick, and, of course, a large knife. It wasn't until I found this knife many years later that I understood why anyone would give a six-year-old a knife to play with. It had been dulled down to near butter-knife sharpness, the tip filed off and smoothed. It was so hard to open it, that my parents had probably figured I would loose interest after a while, and go back to playing with my "little boy" toys. They figured wrong. This determined little boy not only played with that thing, but it became the instrument with which I almost destroyed our home.

Dad was an electrician in the Coast Guard, which meant that not only was he a professional in high-tech helicopter radars and batteries, but he also regularly tended to the electrical work that was necessary in our house. I used to watched dad install ceiling fans, rewiring things, and working with his meter and other tools on a fairly regular basis. As I've written before, my father has always been my hero. I used to imitate him all the time. When he was studying for the tests that the Coast Guard gives in order to gain rank, I would quietly come into the kitchen, sit down next to him with his notebooks and highlighter, and open my big book of Mother Goose nursery rhymes and stare at the pages, concentrating as hard as he was. We sat there in silence for as long as 15 minutes with our foreheads resting on our open palms.
Another example of this that comes to mind is this: Dad was a smoker until I was about fifteen. When I would ride in the truck with him as a little kid, I always carried a cut-off, plastic straw in my pocket. When he would light up and roll down his window, I would reach down and take it our while rolling down my window too. We would go down the interstate, with our elbows hanging out the window taking occasional drags off of our cigs. I don't remember Dad making much eye contact with me when I did that. I think that seeing his eight year old kid pretending to smoke a neon green plastic straw to be like his daddy made him feel bad about smoking.
*Side note: Parents, your kids are watching. That whole "do as I say, not as I do" thing doesn't work. By 18, I had retired my straw and moved on to the real thing--a guilty pleasure I still struggle to control. (Though I don't think it's my parents fault I tried cigarettes, I think they had some influence.)

Anyhow, the instinct to "fix" things was bred into me by my dad. And one day, as my three-year-old sister played in my room with me, I took it upon myself to "fix" the light switch on my wall. I took out my stainless steel pocket-butter-knife, and slid the blade behind the fixture. It fit so perfectly, no resistance at all. I had pushed it about an inch deep, when I heard a loud POP, and about a dozen little sparks shot out from the wall and floated gently down to the carpet. I jumped back, somehow avoiding any painful electric shock. I knew I had done something real bad, especially when I saw Angela's eyes double in size. I reached up and grabbed the knife as it hung from the fixture. Again, how I didn't get electrocuted is beyond me, and probably one of those times when God goes out of his way to protect us from our own stupidity. Angela shot out of the room, down the stairs, and into the garage where Mom and Dad were talking. I followed, a little slower than she.

I remember thinking to myself, "Well, everything's fine. The sparks didn't catch anything on fire. I'm not dead. Do I really have to tell them that I had done something to create an indoor fireworks show?" Too late. Angela chimed in with her amazingly cute little speech impediment (it's a good thing she was cute, because I could have killed her), "Mommy, fy-yoo" (that's "fire," in English).
Needless to say, I didn't see my knife for years after that. I think I was 11 or 12 before I got another one, which, of course, I used to destroy or defame countless other things around the house: furniture, carpet, the wood on the porch, a tree or two. But no electrical equipment. My ambitions of becoming an electrician like Dad had been thoroughly quieted.

It was just a phase

When people ask me about my favorite band, I usually respond by telling them, "I have been listening to Metallica since I was a fetus." They laugh, and I tell them that I have been a metal-head my whole life. The truth is, while I did, in fact grow up listening to hard rock bands like AC/DC, Van Halen, Joe Satriani and, yes, Metallica, I had a few "favorite bands" before Metallica, which I rarely admit to.

I got my first CD player when I was in 4th grade. Growing up in South Florida, I didn't find a lot of friends who enjoyed the head-banging, finger-tapping, heavily distorted thrash masterpieces. I hung out with mostly fans of hip-hop and R&B. In order to connect with my poor, uncultured friends, I forced myself to like their music. What I am about to confess shames me even now, a decade and a half after the fact. My first 3 CDs were (in this order): All-4-One (Self-Titled); Boyz-II Men, II; and the Space Jam Soundtrack. I knew every song on all three of these albums by heart. I sang them in the mirror as I brushed my teeth in the morning. I wrote the names of these bands on my notebooks at school. Because, back me up on this, chicks dig guys who have "Coolio rules" written in Sharpie along the top of his Trapper-Keeper.
At one point, in fifth grade, Stefan Lue, Robert Carbonell, Nick Martinez, and I decided to sing "On Bended Knee" at show-and-tell. I don't really remember how they did, but I'm fairly certain they looked better than my pudgy, pasty, freckled, red-headed self singing this soul-filled romance song. We were really hoping that would set us up for success in middle-school. It wasn't until I moved to North Carolina 4 years later that I finally got my first girlfriend. And I think I still had some "wuss residue" left over from then, because that only lasted a few weeks.
Anyways, I think it was the summer before 6th grade that I was going through some of my dad's CDs while he was on deployment and found Metallica's 1996 album, Load. I took it up to my room and put it into my RCA boom box and cranked it up. With every song, I forgot more and more about Boyz II Men. By the time "Outlaw Torn" was over, I knew that my dad would never see his CD again. And he hasn't. I began listening to a lot of his CDs in my room: Highway to Hell, Surfing with the Alien, 2112. I saved up my money, and before the end of the summer, I had bought myself "The Black Album." I never recovered. It took only a year or two to accumulate every single Metallica LP, either by gift or from saved allowances. I learned the whole history of the band. I mourned over the death of Cliff Burton (who had died when I was only two), and over the reality that I would never get to see him play. And then I began branching out. At first, thrash metal was the only music I would listen to: Megadeth, Slayer, Testament. And then I branched out to bands like Black Sabbath, Pantera, Down, Black Label Society, Corrosion of Conformity. And most recently, the "screamers" as I like to call them: Shadows Fall, In Flames, Children of Bodom.

Over the last few years, my musical tastes have expanded quite a bit (though I have thoroughly washed my hands of the R&B). As I write this, I have my Pandora account cued up to play songs from a mix of playlists including: Bob Dylan, Slayer, Gregorian Chants, Iron and Wine, Derek Webb, and Chris Thile (Holy Wars... The Punishment Due, by Megadeth is currently tearing a hole in my eardrum).
It's funny, a few years ago, I would never admitted to the "show-and-tell" incident above. Now, I wish I had more stories like that.
I'll try to think of some more...

And so it begins

The next stage of The Isaiah Project (or whatever) is under way. Preston, Rachel, and Patty have moved into the new house at 5th & Olive. It was amazing to see so much of the group coming together in prayer and in service as we dedicated the property and transported all of the Searcy's and Patty's (mostly Patty's) stuff to the once neglected house. The new base of operations, the new monastery, 2081 Olive.

The dedication service was interesting. They tell you in Bible College that once you get into ministry, you'll be put in some situations you never thought you would find yourself. Friday night, I served as active bishop as I conducted the liturgy for the dedication of a new church from the Book of Common Prayer. I blessed imaginary baptistries, lecterns, pulpits, and altars. We cast out demons, and sought the protection of the home by guardian angels. We prayed for the Holy Spirit to fill our rooms, hearts, and neighborhood. We even annointed all of the doorframes, windows, and even some appliances. All the while, I was somehow able to take the whole thing very seriously. This is going to be our home. And hopefully, incredible works of God will come forth from that place. I truly believe that they will.

Preston asked me to stay the first night with them. After spending the evening with my best friend and the love of my life, Amy, I joined my friends at the home where I plan to soon join them permanantly. I wasn't sure how I would feel. We've been dreaming of this for years. I'm not used to things I plan on working out.
It was amazing how completely normal last night felt. There was no euphoric "look what we did" moment, no grand celebration, no giddiness. It was just... home.

And so it begins. Will we succeed in becoming a part of the neighborhood, or will we be rejected by it? What are we going to learn from the people? What are we going to bring them that they didn't have before? How long until all of this blows up in our faces?

It's funny, I actually think this is going to work. This is going to be interesting...

The Freedom of Slavery

There is an old hymn called "Come Thou Fount" that has always been one of my favorites. In it, there is a line in which the worshiper cries out, "Let Thy goodness, like a fetter, bind my wandering heart to Thee." It wasn't until Bible College that I found out what a "fetter" is. For those of you too lazy to search wikipedia for a complete definition and history of the word, I'll just tell you what it is. Fetters are restraining devices, kind of like handcuffs, but they go on one's ankles. They can be used to chain both of the prisoner's legs together, but are just as commonly used to link one man to another to discourage attempts at escaping. They are used to prevent a prisoner from running away or kicking his captors or fellow prisoners. Fetters, as you can imagine, do their job quite well. If someone is in handcuffs, he can still, quite easily run away. With fetters, he ain't goin' nowhere. At least not very far before someone catches up with him.

The aforementioned song compares God's goodness to a fetter which connects the Christian to His Lord. This is a simile worth looking at. But what I have been thinking about is the fetter that once bound us to another master: sin, and thus also, death. A few nights ago, I read the book of Romans (yes, the whole thing), and there were several images that came to my mind as I took in the words of the Apostle Paul. Romans 6:16-18 tells us,
"Do you not know that if you present yourselves to anyone as obedient slaves, you are slaves of the one whom you obey, either of sin, which leads to death, or of obedience, which leads to righteousness? But thanks be to God, that you who were once slaves of sin have become obedient from the heart to the standard of teaching to which you were committed, and, having been set free from sin, have become slaves of righteousness."
Here, Paul is reminding the Roman Christians of the transition they went through when they were baptized into Christ (Rom. 6:3). In essence, he is saying, in verses 16 and 17, "You were trapped in a cycle of sin and death because you were a slave to sin." As I read this I had this image of myself in fetters, chained to sin, leading me to my death. But in verses 18, Paul announces that since Jesus died that death to which I was being led, He conquered death. (He made death subject to Himself, and in so doing, He broke the shackles and chains irreparably. Now, I have the freedom to submit to Him as my new Master, King, Lord. And when we do this, we are now "slaves to righteousness." What liberating slavery!

This is, of course one of the most important and joyous tenets of the Gospel, that we are now under the reign of the Gentle Master, the Merciful King, the Loving Lord: Jesus Christ. But keep this in mind: Paul was writing this letter not as an evangelistic tool to a group of pagans. He was writing this to Christians! Did they really have to be reminded of what they already believed in?

Well, don't you?

Keeping in step with this "fetter" metaphor, we know that the shackles and chains which locked us hopelessly to sin and death have been broken. But how often do we live as though we still belong to the former master? This ridiculous image comes to mind of a man (usually myself) wrapping himself up in broken chains, attached to a dead master, attempting to close broken cuffs around his own naked ankles. He has forgotten the cruelty of the former master, Sin, and the misery and despair he once endured in his servanthood. Or maybe he hasn't, but he had grown so used to suffering under the yoke of death that the freedom of the new Master scared him. Freedom can be a very scary thing. Remember that first time you ventured off in a store, down another aisle, away from your mommy? Maybe you weren't paying attention, or maybe, if you were like me, you just felt the pull of independence beckoning you to explore your own route. There came that moment, when you finished looking at what you wanted to see, when you looked up, and your guardian, your caretaker, your parent was gone. Indeed you were free, but how did you feel? Can you imagine what the Israelites felt as they looked back and forth from the once parted Red Sea and the big, empty desert ahead of them? Why do you think that it was such a temptation for Israel to "return to Egypt?" Because freedom, true freedom, means you rely soley on God for your wellfare, and no one but God has authority over you.

The experience of freedom is a wonderful and terrifying thing. But it is worth the risk. It is always worth the fear and uncertainty to live in the freedom/slavery of the servanthood of Christ. The Master does place expectations on your life. He is utterly powerful, and He does not tolerate insubordination. But unlike the former (vanquished) master, Jesus Christ is a gentle, patient, merciful Lord. He only wants what is best for us. His discipline is just, AND it is for our ultimate good. And here is the good news: This Jesus, King over all, and Lord of our lives, is leading us into eternal life instead of eternal death. You are loved, my friend.
Stop wrapping yourself in broken chains, O Christians. You look silly. Cast them off, and take your place on the holy chain-gang of Christ. For this is where you belong. Now go, walk in the freedom of slavery to the Good Shepherd, the Gentle Master, Jesus Christ.

O to grace how great a debtor
daily I'm constrained to be!
Let thy goodness, like a fetter,
bind my wandering heart to thee.
Prone to wander, Lord, I feel it,
prone to leave the God I love;
here's my heart, O take and seal it,
seal it for thy courts above.

Out on a limb

Well, I put in my two weeks notice at SOAR yesterday. It has been time for me to go for a while now, but I still feel like I'm going to miss it. I'm working part time at Verizon Wireless/Cellular Sales as a telemarketer, and the job I'm quitting is the ministry position. Seems backwards. But I need to finish my schoolwork and pour myself into the Community, not to mention the two most important relationships in my life (God and Amy). All four of these priorities have been put on the back burner for 5 months now, and it has made life indescribably chaotic (and unfulfilling).
Also, I'm moving out of my house in Old North Knoxville, and into a house in a rough neighborhood in East Knoxville with the Searcy's, Patty, and anyone else that wants to. I must admit, though I am excited about this, there are a few items of discomfort that will surely come up and need to be dealt with. The greatest of these issues is the fact that there will be a (semi-) single guy and a single girl living within the same household with a married couple. The issue of appropriateness is in question. What happens when I am alone with Patty or Rachel, or when Preston is alone with Patty? I know that Amy isn't a fan of this. The Community has discussed future plans to have single male and female homes in the future, but we can't wait to have 3 homes for 4-6 people just yet. The idea of community is living together and supporting one another. We've been warned that there are some real issues that intentional communities have to deal with, but I believe that together, with God's help, we can serve and support one another as we compromise and sacrifice for the benefit of each other's needs.
I think that the biggest thing staring me in the face right now is uncertainty about my direction. I don't have any short term goals, and my long term goals are so vague that it's difficult to know what to work towards. I'm really trying to be attentive to a Word from the LORD. I am definitely going through a time of trial right now, and I fear that I am not proving myself faithful very much. I know that God is unconditionally loving towards me, and that He does everything to bring me where I need to be, but I am so wrapped up in the flesh right now that I often ignore Him and do what I know is harmful to me. I'm reading Brother Lawrence's "The Practice of the Presence of God" right now, and it is convicting me to stop worrying about it so much and to just rest in God. Why is that so hard?

"Here Comes this Dreamer"

When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up? What did you dream of being, of doing? A lot of little boys dream of being an astronaut, exploring untouched and unseen extraterrestrial objects and worlds. Some want to be a police officer, or a football player, or an archeologist. Boys want to do things that excite them. Or perhaps they want to follow in the footsteps of someone they admire. My father was a flight engineer in the Coast Guard. He and his crew would go on Search and Rescue missions and save the lives of stranded and shipwrecked seafarers, and sometimes they would bust drug smugglers, trying to bring illegal substances into the United States. I can't tell you how many times I thought about doing that with him. I dreamed of being a hero.

It's funny now that I think about it. Why is it that our dreams are so often translated into careers? What I mean is, you never hear about a little boy saying, "One day, I am going to be a GREAT husband," or, "My dream is to be the best Dad on the block." No one ever dreams of leading a life that is intimate with God, or free from strife, or dying penniless because he's given everything he has to people in need. Our dreams tend to translate, as we get older, into the most fulfilling way to make money, and provide for our family. No one says, "I'm going to realize my dream, while working at McDonald's to pay the bills." But is that less noble, or is it more?

Somewhere along the line. I stopped dreaming. It wasn't something I decided to do. I just did. As a child, my greatest passion in the world were the martial arts. From the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, to the Mighty Morphin' Power Rangers, to Mortal Kombat, my favorite subject was fighting. I even had a short-lived dream of participating in the Ultimate Fighting Championship. Six years of martial arts lessons (six days a week, nonetheless) had convinced me that my future was in the training and teaching of Jeet Kune Do and Brazilian Jiu-Jitsu. But then we moved away, and I never took another lesson. I still watched UFC. I still enjoyed rasslin' with my friends. I even taught people moves from time to time. But my childhood dream of being the best fighter in the world, gave way to the teenage compulsion to be the coolest person in the world. I hung out with friends, learned to shoot pool, tried desperately to find a girlfriend. And with all of these important undertakings, I never gave any thought to my future, what I wanted to do or to become.

And then it happened: Some asshole reminded me that I was going to graduate soon and that I needed to do something with my life. My new passion had become reading the Bible, arguing theology, and figuring out the way the world should run. I had become a youth-group junkie. I was at church every chance I got. I went to the "Old-Farts'" Bible Studies, kids' church, small groups, youth group, and every conference that my poor parents could afford to send me to. And so when my mentors and friends told me that I should become a youth minister, I figured, "What the hell... I've got nothing better planned for myself, right?" And off to Bible College I went.

Now, I'm not saying that I wish I hadn't come to Bible College; or even that it was a mistake. Because it wasn't. I found God at Bible College, just not in the places you would expect. I learned a lot about who I am there too. I fell in love with Jesus, and not just the theology of the Messiah, in college. And by these things I know that I was meant to go there, and that God was pleased with me for going.

But what I am saying is, I went there with no goals, or at least no clear-cut goals. My goal was: become a youth minister, take lots of camping trips, have fun until I figure out what else to do. And when it became painfully obvious that my life was not meant to go that way, I got depressed. And then I stopped thinking about it again, and just floated through the next three years at Johnson Bible College, trying to act more and more like a hippie with each passing semester.

I started going to downtown Knoxville to meet homeless people and try to convert them to Christianity my freshmen year. I was owned on more than one occasion by homeless people who had very real, very hostile words back to me. And I did something that I (still) rarely do. I listened. I began reading books about ministry to the poor and the destitute. I got into this one book called the Irresistible Revolution, by an ordinary Christian man named Shane Claiborne, and his words resonated with me. The ministry he did, the problems he had with many (not all) Western Christians and suburban churches, and his loving attitude toward all of his fellow man seemed to agree with the words of Jesus, and the thoughts that I'd had on these issues. And I began to dream again. For the first time in years, I wanted something. I had an idea of who I wanted to be and what I wanted to do.

For the past 3 years or so, my heart has been filled with a desire to serve (and be served by) marginalized people. I have found a group of others who share this desire with me, and we have sought to serve together in an intentional community of believers. We dreamed; we dreamed together. And God has blessed us. But lately, life has begun to get in the way. I have bills. I have a girlfriend that I would like to marry. I have a broken down car that needs to be replaced. I have a myriad of bad habits and generational sins that I can't seem to lay down before God [or at least leave at his feet (as a dog returns to his vomit, as they say)]. And so here I am, on the brink of realizing a dream that, it seems, God put on my heart, and now I feel so caught up in the worries of this world, and without enough faith to press on, that I'm ready to settle for "making it." I know that I can survive, but to quote the life-changing instant Disney classic Wall-E, "I don't want to survive, I want to live."

When I went through life without dreaming for myself, I thought that I was being a man of great faith. I was saying to God, "I don't want to do anything unless you tell me to do it." I mean, everything I wanted before was incredibly selfish. I wanted to get laid, be rich, feel happy, look good in front of people. All of those pursuits came up short: most people who know me realize what a goober I am, money has actually been more of a pain in my rear, happiness comes and goes, and I'm still a virgin. But I don't think that God asks us to stop dreaming, I believe that He wants to change our dreams. I think it's Buechner who said, "Your vocation (Calling) is where your deep gladness and the world's deep hunger meet."

God, give us the strength to dream, the courage to pursue these dreams, the grace to do it in Your will, and the faith to endure all opposition. Amen.